I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends

Um, so how do I make it in life? Like, seriously?

Last night Kenley and I were hanging out watching Lost (and I made this really great macaroni, but that's another story) and soon it was super late and I needed to go. So, I go to my car and somehow my trunk was opened, so I was like, "My trunk is open. I should fix that." So I step out of the car and absentmindedly hit the lock button, because I kind of do that subconsciously, but I knew not to shut the door. So, I close the trunk, but I was kind of on a hill, and all of the sudden a mighty wind came out of nowhere (not really) and my door started to shut. In slow motion I yelled, "Nnnn-nnn-ooo-ooooo!" but it was too late. (Running in slow motion does not get you to the car door nearly fast enough, fyi.)

So there I was at 11:00 at night with my keys locked in my car while it was running. I peered through the foggy windows at the lock button and could hear Michael Buble cheerfully singing about having the world on a string or some such nonsense. World on a string. I wished I had a hide-a-key on a string.

I took a walk of shame back to Kenley's door. We immediately found two coat hangers. I felt like we were on the Sandlot, trying to get the baseball out of the Beast's back yard. One failed attempt after another.



After a few close calls, but no success, we changed strategies. We decided to go through the sunroof. Michael Buble taunted us with his happy voice. Finally we managed to get the clothes hanger through the sunroof and pulled open the canvas part underneath. Next it was time for the piece de resistance. With the flashlight illuminating less and less, we stuck a shower curtain rod through the sunroof and hit the unlock button! Let me just tell you, what satisfaction. Now I know that if real estate doesn't work out for Kenley, we can go into a life of grand theft auto. "Elephants are soooo big!"

Your News Report for the Day

In World News Today:

Queen Liz gets dissed by the French. Should she be surprised? No, but next time Germans, Russians, Prussians or Huns try to invade France, I say Britain just eats their fish and chips and lets them take over. They'd probably be more polite anyway. Seriously, the woman SERVED in WWII. She should get invited to the D-Day Party. While Sarkosi is whispering sweet nothings in Obama's ear, Gordon Brown should punch them both in the face.

Why does Air France have to be copying on the Lost plot? How do you lose an Airbus? It's on the island. Season 7 plotline, anyone?

In National News:

Sarah P needs to be watching out for global warming in the shape of large nuclear weapons. Those polar bears don't stand a chance against Li'l Kim's earth destroying-snow melting toys. He even got a new pair of those polarized sunglasses he loves so that he can watch the pyrotechnic show from his eastern-facing front porch.



Love those shades, Kimmy. That guy to his left really wants to push him in the pool right now.

Congratulations, America! We've just purchased GM! Give up that Honda. We'll all be driving Buicks and Chevies now.

Obama just released his new prototype- the Chevy Komnibile. I love ze colours, Olga.



In Entertainment News:

I was going to comment on Susan Boyle, Kate Gosslin, and the MTV Awards, but I can't deal with pop culture right now. We're going to have to save that for another time.

Cue Chariots of Fire Theme

I love running. And by love, I mean that I love two key parts- the part where you turn around to come back, and the part where you’re done. Let’s face it, even for someone who runs a lot, for the most part running is pretty miserable. There’s the occasional run that you’re thinking, “Man, I could Forest Gump this and just run clear across the state,” but usually you’re saying to yourself, “Man, I wish I could just die right now. At least then I’d get to lie down.”

One thing I have learned in running- I run a whole lot faster and a whole lot better in races. Races are just fun. You get up way too early and drive to some random place to exercise, but the funny thing is that hundreds of other people are just as crazy as you and they all show up too. And then, as you go, you find that you’re running faster than you could ever make yourself go on your normal out and back route. The thrill of the race gets a hold of you. You’re making friends with accountants and lawyers and the guy who works at the Jimmy John’s on Pensacola. You find that you can really be friends with these people. You may have had nothing in common on Friday, but on Saturday you’re all runners. And you’re all running the same race. There’s people cheering you on around the last corner and tons of Gatorade as you cross the finish line.

I think whoever wrote Hebrews must have been a runner. I mean, not just the poser runner, the guy who’s out on Mission Road on New Year’s Day with a bunch of electronic gadgets trying to lower his cholesterol a couple of points, but a real runner. Hebrews guy is trying to encourage the Jewish people. So he goes through the hall of fame of faithful guys and girls- Abel, Enoch, Abraham, Noah, Moses, Rahab, David, Samuel- and he lets us know that all of these guys were looking ahead. They knew that God had something special in store for the world, but they were going to have to wait. They “conquered kingdoms, administered justice…shut the mouths of lions, escaped the fury of the flames and the edges of the swords…but they did not gain what had been promised.” Why? “Because God had something better in mind, so that only together with us would they be made perfect.” Because God wants a huge family reunion. The kind with sweet tea and t-shirts.

This is why I think Hebrews guy had laced up some Nike’s before. “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us…” He’d felt people spraying you down with sprinklers and DJ’s rocking you up hills. He knew that the halfway point is the hardest. Those first couple miles will get you every time. And he also knew what would keep you going- “fixing our eyes on Jesus...” He knew that when you watch your feet you always go slower. It’s when you lift your head and look towards the goal that you can go your fastest. Looking down or to the side will always slow you down. He knew what it’s like to go up huge hills and feel like your legs just won’t go anymore, and he had a solution for that too- “Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

Starting a race isn’t hard. Finishing is another matter entirely. Too many of us start out sprinting only to make it to the first hill and quit. Or maybe we make it through a couple, but the valleys start looking like a good place to stay because it’s too hard to climb another hill. Next time you feel like you’re the only one running, think of the cloud of witnesses- the ones who have gone before and have run long and hard, looking ahead to their reward. Think of Jesus at the finish line. Something way better than Gatorade is waiting.

25 Random Things about Me

Okay, so I'm jumping on this bandwagon too-


1. I love the idea of drinking tea. Drinking tea is okay, but the idea of drinking tea evokes some kind of emotional state that makes camaraderie between people inevitable. Just asking people if they would like to get together to have tea is rewarding. The actual drinking of tea is alright too, though, and when I do drink tea I like to have Lady Gray tea with honey.

2. If I could go on a date with any celebrity, living or dead, it would have to be Jimmy Stewart. I love that guy.

3. My favorite painting is the Return of the Prodigal Son by Rembrandt. I just always picture myself running back to God when I see it.

4. I really love books and movies. Especially epic ones. I think this stems from the fact that I wish my life were more like a book or a movie, and therefore much more exciting. William Wallace and Harry Potter are more thrilling than I could ever be.

5. My favorite place I’ve ever been to is Krakow, Poland. It is the best! Dragons guard medieval castles and the statues spew fire when you send them a text message. Talk about mixing the ancient with the modern. Lori and I only learned one Polish phrase, “Eh! Eto moj smok!” “Hey! That’s my dragon!”

6. I hope that if something ever happens to Mark and Jenn, they leave me Anna, John, Max and Kevin in their will.

7. My best friend lives thousands of miles away. This could be the breaker for some people, but Lori and I have made it work for the last three years. Sunday afternoons are reserved for three-hour conversations via her computer and my cell phone. Mail is somewhat unreliable, but someone we know is always making the trek to and from Kyiv, so we usually use our own form of the Pony Express. Much cheaper than Fed-Ex.

8. I love the show Lost. I really don’t watch any other shows regularly, except for college football, but I’ve fallen in love with Jack, Kate, Sawyer and Hurley. The reason for this probably stems from the same reason as #4.

9. Running is my favorite form of exercise for three reasons: 1) You get to wear cool shoes. New tennis shoes are probably the coolest thing ever, next to like, those self-inflating air mattresses you can get at Bed, Bath and Beyond. 2) Races are so fun. Even if you aren’t very good, there’s something really awesome about getting a t-shirt with a race and date on it. 3) You don’t need anybody else to do it. Unlike an ultimate Frisbee game, running requires just two feet and somewhat masochist tendencies.

10. I still say a lot of commonly used words wrong as a result of self-teaching while being homeschooled. Just ask Jenna about Mesopotamia.

11. My dream job is to go to one of the “-stans” and teach English and tell people about Jesus. I think that would be just about the greatest job ever. I hope to do it one day.

12. I love Glenn Beck, think the military’s great, watch Fox News and buy things from Walmart. So sue me.

13. I have a terrible memory. Like, if I weren't 23, I'd think I have Alzheimer's or something. Hopefully it comes across as being slightly endearing and not just horribly aggravating to you all. But, looking at the bright side, it makes my life much more exciting. I can read books over and over and still be caught spellbound at the end because I had no idea what the ending was going to be. You can tell me things twice and I'm still just as thrilled for you as the first time because I don't remember it from the first time.

14. When I was in 2nd grade, the then-first-lady, Barbara Bush, came to Sealey Elementary to congratulate us on collecting a bunch of pennies for some book project she was promoting at the time. I didn't go to Sealey then, but my brother Chris did. Chris brought pennies almost every day. He gave the most of any kid at Sealey. So, his speech teacher nominated him to sit on the stage with Barbara Bush and she...or he...I can't remember, gave the millionth penny. I was really excited about meeting her and so my mom and I made her chocolate chip cookies. When I got to shake her hand, I gave her the cookies, but the Secret Service took them. I was pretty devestated. I don't think she ever ate one. They probably tested them for poison and then threw them away. Oh well. Barbara Bush looks to me like someone who could make really good chocolate chip cookies anyway.

15. I broke my leg in third grade roller skating. I never want to roller skate again. What made it doubly traumatic was that my classroom was on the third floor of North Florida Christian. That, and Coach Shifflet still made me go around the jogging trail on my crutches. Totally child abuse.

16. My favorite words are “ambiguous” and “anticlimactic.” I don’t know why. They just are. “Nonsensical” is a pretty good one too. Oh, and “bleen,” which means “crap” in Russian.

17. Abraham Lincoln is one of my favorite people. We went on dates every week when I lived in DC. Always meeting at the corner of Constitution and Independence Avenues, sitting for hours…he was quite the gentleman.

18. I think the color green is fabulous and I’ve always wanted to be Irish. Really, I don’t think I have any Irish in me. Maybe one person from my grandmother’s side, but if I could pick an ancestry, it would definitely be Irish. I got to go to Ireland, but my bubble burst when I realized that the only people who lived in Dublin were tourists.

19. I listen to classical music all the time. It’s kind of lame. But I always have it playing on my computer at home and at work. Occasionally I switch over to Brad Paisley or James Taylor, but it’s usually more of the old dead guys.

20. I’m addicted to diet Pepsi. I have a list in my head of all the restaurants that serve diet Pepsi: Taco Bell, Applebee's, One Stir Fry, etc. I get refills from the fountain machine at the Chevron on the corner of Mission and Tharpe (affectionately known as “the Kroger”) all the time. It’s only 64 cents. They know me in there.

21. My hair is actually pretty curly. I bet none of you knew that. Because if you see me with my hair not straightened, I would have to kill you. When it’s thrown up in a ponytail, that’s usually because I was too lazy to fry it. I’ll probably be bald by the time I’m like, 40.

I really appreciate good grammar. And by appreciate, I mean that I will judge you if you say, “I’m doing good.” If I catch you writing “your the best,” you’re no longer welcome in my home.

22. I’m pretty sure that my favorite day was the night that Jake, Taylor, Lori, Carli and I laid outside all night at camp and talked watching the stars. I think I could go my whole life and probably never feel as close to people as we felt that night. Homeless kids forever.

23. I have a ton of coke points. You know, those codes that are on the bottom of your coke caps? Plug them into the website and you can buy tons of stuff. I always buy music. I haven’t actually purchased a CD in quite some time.

24. I’ve always wanted to be a flight attendant. Sarah Wirgau and I have a dream of meeting up after she finishes Edge Corps and working for Delta. That is, if it hasn’t gone completely bankrupt by then.

25. I dislike garlic. This may be because I’m a vampire, but I haven’t been able to conclude that as of yet. I do find myself staying up late at night and wanting to sleep during the day, but I still like ice cream a lot more than blood, so I’m thinking I might be, like a Jewish vampire or something and blood is just off-limits.

Treasures in a Tape Box

Years ago, as I stood in line in the cold at our camp on the outskirts of Kiev, I noticed that my fellow standees lacked the same impatient, shuffling attitude as I was displaying in painfully obvious fashion. So, I commented to a friend that Ukrainians are very patient people. Lena replied that it came from years of practice. Bread lines, metro lines, coupon lines, the ex-Soviets know how to entertain themselves in a line. In fact, one of the first phrases I learned in Russian was, "Everybody form two lines, please!" I'd like to send some of the recipients of free groceries at our Food Pantry back in time to Moscow circa 1964, just for a day or two. Each Tuesday, Wildwood gives out free groceries to people who need them in their Fellowship Hall. Each person signs in, waits in line, counselors pray with them, and they receive a bag of groceries and anything else that they might like or need. Most of our regulars are absolutely wonderful and they light up my life, but much like the licorice variety in a bag of jelly beans, there are always the few that you wish had been discontinued years ago. However, unlike the licorice variety in a bag of jelly beans, our not-so-pleasant guests can occasionally cause me to burst into tears.

Such was this past Tuesday, as I had the misfortune of crossing Mrs. Coleman on a particularly bad day. However, all was not lost. Our director saved me from an entire emotional breakdown in the middle of a hundred people and gave me the non-people (and thus, wonderful) task of typing up prayer requests in the back closet. Typing can be quite therapeutic. So can Ailia Taylor, whose five short years of living in this world have given her ample knowledge to pass the most rigorous counseling examination.

I squeezed into the back room and leaned my arms against two large paper boxes in the corner so that I would be able to reach the mouse and the keyboard. The back closet holds treasures such as shampoo, vitamins, coloring books, disability applications and missing volunteers' nametags. I'd imagine I could survive in there for quite some time if I wasn't claustrophobic. After I typed up the first couple folders, I heard a knock coming from about two feet above the floor.

"Hold on, Sweetie. Let me tie this polar bear up. It's almost his dinner time."

"Miz Calyn, you're silly. Open the door."

"No, I'm serious, Ailia. He's very fond of little girls. He's been cooking side dishes all day."

She finally got bored and pushed open the door just enough for her to squeeze in with a large briefcase that looked like it had been passed down at least four times. In the closet, there is really only room for one person to stand, so I set Ailia on the counter and had her hold folders for me.

"Where'd you get that briefcase, Ailia?"

"On the table by the stage."

"What's inside?"

Ailia carefully opened her beloved briefcase. Almost expecting there to be a million dollars inside, as I'm sure I'd seen that briefcase in at least half a dozen movies, instead, there were 16 tapes of famous classical musicians. From Bach to Wagner, each had a picture of the composer and "sixty minutes of the most satisfying classical pieces from their libraries." Ailia carefully arranged and rearranged each tape by the attractiveness of the composer and then by the color of the tape box.

"Miz Calyn," she said, "Do you have a boyfrien?"

"No," I replied. "Not yet."

Ailiah looked disappointed. "Oh, that's very sad. Why you don't have a boyfrien?"

"Well," I had to think. "I suppose because he hasn't found me yet."

I watched as my young therapist's face turned from utterly conflicted to perfectly clear. "I can find you a boyfrien."

"Alright, Ailia, you just let me know when you find him."

I hoped our therapy session was over and that we could move on to talking about much more exciting things, such as the status of Mrs. Coleman's yelling rampage, but instead I watched as Ailia carefully studied the faces on her tapes. Beethoven and Hayden were set aside and Mendolssen and Handel were looked over. Finally Ailia stopped at Dvorak.

"Here you go, Miz Calyn. You can marry this guy."



"He's a very good choice, Ailia, but I think he's a little bit old for me."

Ailia rolled her eyes. Clearly, someone as inept as me in finding my other half could not possibly know who was in my best interests. And so I laughed and promised to keep my eyes peeled for a little Czech man with a funny mustache. I found myself humming bits of the 9th symphony as I headed out.