How Not To Write a Blog Post

I’ve been receiving ridiculous comments and emails about how my life is more interesting than the average individual’s. This is utter nonsense. There is nothing exciting or exceptional about losing one’s keys, going for a jog, or walking to the grocery store. The key is making it appear that these mundane things are somehow out of the ordinary and in doing so causing people to believe that they actually want to read about it.

Now, the reason for my writing of this particular blog post is a purely selfish one. You see, I tire of reading boring and mundane xanga and blog posts as I know many of you do. So, I've taken what I've learned and placed it all into this handly little post. Consider this “The Idiot’s Guide To Writing a Boring Blog Post.”

1. The “Run On Sentence” Blog Post

Obviously some people never made it past 2nd grade when we learned what it takes to make a complete sentence- a subject and a predicate. One does not need 12 predicates to make a sentence. Observe Suzy Signpost’s blog entry:

Oh my gosh, so like, today I went to school and I got a B on my math test and I was so excited because I only studied for like, 45 seconds on the way to school while I was driving and like, I almost hit truck at the corner of Fred George and Mission because, like, how long has that light been there, and the teacher said she curved it like, 12 points, so really I would have had a C- but I managed to get a B and that was like, really cool and now my mom is gonna be happy because I’m gonna keep my scholarship for another semester even though Bright Future’s 75% scholarship sucks because it doesn’t pay for books and ever since Bill’s was bought out by that stupid company in Nebraska (who buys books in Nebraska?) the prices have like, doubled and good luck if you ever want a refund. Okay, well, I’m gonna go. Bye.

Alright, Suzy. Listen up. No one cares that you got a B on your math test and no one’s gonna make it past “and I was so excited” anyway. That sentence was too long, Clanky.

2. The “I Use Waaaaay Too Much Internet Lingo” Blog Post

OMG! 2nite when I got hm from skool I was chatting w/ Shiela and OMG we were LOL, no like, FOTFL bc Nick was all like, “ILuvU” at the P-ZA ParT. WTC? Whatta punk. GMABr8k. No, but rly, life is pretty x-i-10 rite now. K, GTG. CUL8R.

So, after trudging though that piece of Pulitzer worthy material, we are left to wonder if that was some advanced type of C++ programming or whether some poor typing student just set their fingers in the wrong place by accident. ITPJTTULATM8KTLCACUFTFTTCSWA. (I think people just try to use long acronyms to make themselves look cool and cover up for the fact that they can’t spell worth anything.)

3. The “I Could Commit Suicide At Any Moment” Blog Post

Today was like, the worst day of my life. First I woke up late because I didn’t hear my alarm and I almost missed the bus. Then at school Blake broke up with me because he says I’m possessive. I mean, what the crap? Just ‘cause I don’t like him to suck on other girl’s faces doesn’t make me possessive. Geez. Maybe I’ll never find anybody. I’ll probably just end up being single my whole life. Nobody would care anyway. I mean, really. Does anybody even care that I’m here? Comment if you value my friendship at all.

Uh-oh. It’s been three days and no comments…has anybody seen Mary Anne at school lately?

Look, if you want people to be your friend, don’t go all Moaning Myrtle on them. We all have bad days. It’s not the end of the world. Tell your mom about it, not cyberspace. You’ll find that 3-D people are much more helpful in solving problems than your computer screen.

The “I Don’t Even Try to Spell Correctly” blog post.

This is perhaps the most common and painful of all types of uninteresting blog posts.

Wow, so I've really learned alot latley about dapending on just god and my friends and its been so good. And sense I haven’t had alot of time to post recently I just wanted to write up a quick won. I’ve had a lot of stuff going on latley and than alot of people have let me down and I’m just so glad that I have a friends that I can count on to be they’re for me whenever others aren’t neccesarily their . I definately appreciate of ya’ll people who hold me accountable and if theirs anything you guys want to talk to me about just leave it here in a comment so that the hole world can read about you’re personal problems. I love you and hope you have a great day to. Okay, God bless!

Spell check, people. It's not just for decoration.

The key is not “If you don’t have something interesting to say don’t say anything at all.” The key is “If you don’t have something interesting to say then make it interesting.” Never start blog posts with:

1) This was such a busy day.
2) So, I really don’t have anything interesting to say…
3) I know I haven’t updated this thing in forever, but I’ve been really busy.
4) So today pretty much sucked

You can make the ordinary extraordinary, people. I have faith in you.

The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon. - Robert Cormier