Jacob Mumm- A Great American

I would like to take this time to honour a friend of mine, (Notice, honor is written with a "u." This generally means that if the writer is not British, then it must be an important recognition. That is how much I care.) Mr. Jacob Mumm. I would write Jacob's middle name, but I don't know it and Lori is currently somewhere over the Atlantic, or I would ask her. I will take a guess. Jacob Schmidt Mumm. Schmidt is pretty much the worst name ever, as Jacob would likely agree, but somehow he makes even this horrid middle name something to marvel over.

Jacob Mumm is famous for many things. Decendent of the 3 brothers Mumm, Jacob is the decendent of Jacobus and Georges Hermann Mumm, founders of Mumm Champagnes. Following my very rigid search through Wikipedia, I have found the following things about him:

*Mr. Mumm is the first person to sell a human being on E-bay. Although this sale was never finalized, due to high shipping costs, Mr. Mumm is currently researching new ways to make human sales easier on the mega bidding engine.

*Mumm Peak is named after Jacob Mumm after his amazing rescue of seven mauve-spotted mountain goats, nearly extinct in Canada. Mr. Mumm is a national hero in Canada.

*Mr. Mumm is the founder of "Jakeism." When asked to comment about his pseudo-religion of sorts, Mr. Mumm said, "Calvinism is fading, Arminianism is SO last century. We now have Jake-ism." Jakeists generally conform to 4 or 5 "points." Girls normally can only adopt 4, as the first point is believing that girls are hot. Other points include the hatred of horses, and the mandatory love of stars and star-gazing. No one can be a Jakeist without first committing to this key point.

*Mr. Mumm is a semi-famous freelance photographer, well-liked by all of his clients. He is highly regarded in nature-circles as an expert yozhek photographer.

*Mr. Mumm is the co-owner of a blossoming bag company. His handmade bags are well-known in America and are currently being displayed overseas.

*Mr. Mumm is also drummer for the famous "Dawson Schmidt" band, climbing the charts and sweeping its way across America.

Mr. Mumm prides himself on his drumming and longboarding skills, as well as his expertise in Brazilian Jujitsu. His heroes are William Shatner, the creator of shaving cream, Henry Earl and Ukrainian babushkas.