An Interview

C: What the crap!? That's Paul McCartney!
J: We're actually talking about this?
C: It's just, I'm clicking on MSN's "This Year In Space" pictures and first there are rockets, and then some earths and then some jupiters and some moons and all the sudden, BAM! Paul McCartney! Is he really that old?
J: I just, don't have anything else to say about this. I mean, I'm sorry. My bug bites itch, okay?
C: Jenna, why is Paul mccartney in space?
J: Calyn, I don't know. Maybe he was singing at a space...thing. There was pictures of spacey looking stuff behind him.
C: Well, have you seen his band? They look pretty spacey.
J: Haha...ha...ha...(dying pity laugh.) Owwww, my bug bites! Stop making fun of me. "So, I says to Keith, I says, I'm a Pharisee. I got mad ladies linin' up around the block... " Are we gonna talk about my mountain dew can?
C: What about it?
J: It says weird stuff. Like, "tuned up taste?" Why is that trademarked? Have you ever heard them advertise for mountain dew by saying "tuned up taste?"
C: Can't say I have, Clankey.
J: And why does it say "low-calorie" mountain dew? I realize that zero is a low number, but wouldn't they be better off saying it's "no-calorie" mountain dew? And doesn't the fact that it's "diet" mountain dew already mean that there's no calories? They're just being redundant. They're just being redundant. They're just being redundant.
C: They're repeating themselves.
J: They're saying the same thing twice.
C: We're gonna lose readers this way.
J: Yeah, especially Mr. Scott when he figures out we're drinking his diet sodas.
C: Shhhhhh, don't tell. Besides, we needed energy to move the set thing at 12:30 in the morning.
J: And you know, since you're the "intern" and all you should have complete access to that refridgerator. And a key to the church.
C: I should have a key.
J: That's what I just said, Calyn. You're being redundant.
C: I'm repeating myself.
J: You're saying the same thing twice.
C: That's why it's good that we have friends who have keys. And who don't steal i-pods.

J: We've now reached the portion of the program where we're going to open up the phone lines to take viewer calls.
C: What are we going to ask them?
J: Where's my phone?
C: That's a boring question.
J: Our first caller is on the line all the way from somewhere near Tulsa, Oklahoma. Let's see what she has to say. Let's put her on speaker phone.
Mystery Caller: Hey everybody, this is Sarah and I can't come to the phone right now but leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. To leave a numeric page press "1." To leave a text message press "2."
C: Well, that was, um, disappointing. Let's try another caller.
Robert Love: Hey everybody, it's Robert. Leave me a message and have a great day! To page this person press 5 now. To leave a callback number press....
C: This is going well.
Mystery Caller: Hey, hey, hey. My phone's about to die!
J: We called Robert because you didn't answer.
M.C.: Call me back on Robert's phone. Okay, bye.
Robert: Hello!?
J: Hey!
Robert: What's up? So, what are y'all doing? I'm getting like, mystery calls.
J: We're making an interview on Calyn's blog.
C: I'm typing everything you say, Robert.
R: I should talk really fast.
J: No, don't do that.
R: Note to self: don't do that. Do I need to say something incredibly intelligent?
J: Yeah
R: I don't have anything like that, probably. It's just your inflated sense of significance speaking.
C: impart us some wisdom.
R: It's raining. I just saw a flying cow. I'm really sorry you're missing this because it's amazing. I'm looking forward to seeing one or both of you in a few weeks.
J: Calyn's coming. I can't come because I've gotta work.
C: Do you have anything to say to the people, Robert?
R: Um, yeah. First the "um" and then, "Trust God." There. You have it. That's as deep as I get. That's it. You can talk to Sarah now.
Sarah: I would first like to say that I am very excited to be involved in one of these interviews because I always read them but I'm not in them. Then I would like to say that I'm very sad because I'm not there. I'm honored.
J: But you are here. You're on speaker phone. Um, so...
C: If we were to ask you a question, what would be your answer to it?
S: Life is like a cookie.
C: Sarah, it's "Life IS a cookie."
S: Oh, don't type that. Michael just called me on my phone. My phone is bleeping that's it's going to die if I open it.
C: We'll call Michael and tell him that you can't talk on your phone because it's going to die.
J: We love you.
S: Love you. Call me back.
J: Okay, bye. Are we ready for the wonder that is Michael Phillips?
C: Oh yes.

Michael: Hello?
J: Okay, so me and Calyn, we're at my house and we're making an interview on her blog and so we were about to do it and we were talking to Sarah and so we put her in there. You're in the interview.
M: I'm part of the interview?
J: Yes.
M: I get royalties for this, right?
C: If you talk slow.
J: So, we called Sarah and it went to voicemail and then we called Robert and Sarah said her phone's dying and then you called her on her phone but she couldn't answer it because it was about to die so we said that we would call you and tell you. Sarah said you'd have some wisdom to impart.
M: I've been known for my motivational speeches. I gave one to the Steelers before the superbowl.
C: What would you like to say, Michael?
M: wow, I've never had a chance to speak to so many people at once.
C: Michael, you write for a newspaper.
M: Oh yeah. I just finished a round of trivial pursuit.
J: You were with friends?
M: Yeah, his name is Naffi.
C: Where's he from?
M: Um, America. His last name is Naffsinger. His real name is David, but David's not very exciting.
J: Okay, here's a hummdinger. If we were going to ask you a question, what would the answer be?
M: That's the question of the day?
J: You can't answer the question in a form of a question.
M: That's easy. Julius Caesar.
J: Why?
M: Because your question was going to be, "Who was the emperor alive at the time of Christ's birth?"
C: Hey, wait, that wasn't Julius Caesar.
M: Oh, yeah. You're right; that was Augustus.
*Lots of talking proceeds. Calyn's fingers are not this fast.
C: In closing, Michael, is there anything you would like to say?
M: Everybody go read my articles.
C: Okay. There you have it, people.


*Portions of this interview not affecting the final outcome have been edited for time.