What happened to creativity?

You know, I was looking at the list of movies playing recently and with the exception of Harry Potter and the Chronicles of Narnia it seems that our movies as of late have lost a very important component- creativity. When was the last time you saw an original movie at the threatre? Let's see, was it when you saw Pride and Prejudice? Oh, no, that's already been made half a dozen times.
How about Yours, Mine and Ours? Sadly, this is also a remake.
What about War of the Worlds? Sorry, Spielberg’s slacking off too.
Or maybe The Producers, The Longest Yard, All the King's Men, Fun With Dick and Jane, The Fog, Amityville Horror, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Curious George, House of Wax, or The Shaggy Dog? No?

Thankfully, remakes are not usually as bad as sequels, (Can anyone say Cheaper by the Dozen 2? They're on their way. Only 10 to go. And it has been done. Land Before Time XII came out this year. Lori and I counted them.) but I was thinking, what if all of life were like Hollywood and we could just do the same things over and over?

"Professor Adams, I know I turned in this research paper last semester, but look! I've added 27 more words and made it better by including a power-point presentation complete with an original score. Feast your eyes on those extra features!"

"Doctor, the way I see it, I've lost those thirty pounds before. I lose a pound for every two I gain. Plus, if you adjust for inflation, I've actually lost weight this year! Just ask my broker."

"Officer, I've already been arrested for D.U.I.s five times. Why don't you and I just forget this whole thing and I get you the autographs of my entire NFL team?"

"Kids, this is ridiculous. Santa doesn't just rewrap your presents from last year..."

"Look, lady, I know I dropped your chicken sandwich, but I put it in a new wrappa' and I glossed id'over wit some butta. Here's your change. Now scram. "

Romeo and Juliet (now with deleted scenes XXVII and XXXI: Romeo and Mercutio's secret love affair and Friar Lawrence getting voted off Verona.)
by: Calyn Reber
War and Peace (now in the popular "abridged" edition of only 3,572 pages!)
by: Calyn Reber
To Kill a Mockingbird (now with color pictures!)
by: Calyn Reber
The Bible (completely modernized with no mention of sin, animal sacrifice, Jesus, or prophets with poor hygiene.)
by: Calyn Reber

"I know I just took a vacation last week, Mr. Smith, but that one didn't quite live up to my expectations. I'm thinking, oh, 87 million extra dollars will result in a vacation that will be to my satisfaction."

Somehow I think you'll agree with me that life doesn't work quite that way. So how is it that Hollywood directors can take someone else's idea and movie and stick some actors with big names and bigger paychecks in the title, and special effects that cost more than the entire GDP of a small European country and whip up something that they get the entire credit for? Is it really worth 7 of my hard earned dollars to see a giant monkey destroy New York again? Let's face it, if it wasn't good the first 6 times... I mean, New York gets destroyed in every other movie that comes out, whether it's by Godzilla, aliens, newlyweds, natural disasters, or dinosaurs. I guess that's where that saying "once burned-shame on you, twice burned-shame on me" comes from. 'Cause if it wasn't good the first time, chances are, it won't be good the next time. Or the third, or fourth, or fifth... (And if it was good the first time, why are we remaking it?)

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But, speaking of movies, me, Lori, my mom and my Dad went to dinner tonight for "Lori's last meal," as mom said. I replied to that, "Mom, you make it sound like she's being executed tomorrow..."
Thankfully Lori is not being executed tomorrow. But she is returning to our beloved Ukraine. So after being disappointed because Po' Boys was closed, we headed to Applebee's because Lori wanted something with lettuce because they don't really eat lettuce in Ukraine and she said a wrap sounded good.
So, you know how at Applebees they have all the pictures of old famous actors and actresses like Ingrid Bergman and Audrey Hepburn and stuff? Well, my mom knows everything about everything (she could definitely win Trivial Pursuit) and she was asking us all these questions about "Who did this person marry?", "What movie did this person play in?", "Who sung this song?" and the like and most of the time me and Lori didn't know the answers. So we were already on the topic of movies, and I said, "Gee, Mom, for someone who knows so much about movies, you don't like movies very much." My Mom never watches movies. I could (at the time) only think of, like, 2 movies that she actually liked. So, I said, "I don't think you could even think of 10 movies that you like."

So we spent the entire meal trying to come up with 10 movies that my mom actually enjoyed watching. It was tough, let me tell you. Right off she said that "The Emperor's New Groove" was her favorite movie. She loves Izma. (I'm thinking, okay, I can definitely see how this is your masterpiece of American cinema...) Then she said "Beauty and the Beast." Dad said at that point that she had to think of some movies with real people in them. So after about 5 minutes we came up with "Lord of the Rings." But only the first and third because she said she got bored with "Helm's Deep" in the second one. Okay. So we had four. I suggested "Forrest Gump." She didn't like it. "Shawshank Redemption." Nope. "Sound of Music." HeT. Then I remembered
"Hey, we watched 'Don't Say a Word' with Michael Douglas. You liked that one, right?"
She said, "Calyn, I only like movies if they're believable. That one just wasn't believable."
Okay, you tell me if our final list contained any movies that were believable.

1. The Emperor’s New Groove- Peruvian King gets turned into a llama by an evil visor who, along with her faithful oversized servant who enjoys conversing with wildlife, have the combined brainpower of an alpaca sweater.

2. Galaxy Quest- Tim Allen and Sigourney Weaver are actors on a wanna-be Star Trek T.V. show who get begged by aliens to come save their planet because the extra-terrestrials believe that their almost-famous space lovers are real astronauts. After defeating the scariest dictator in the universe, Tim and Siggy fall madly in love and are guided back to earth by nerdy teenage trekkies.

3. Beauty and the Beast- an intelligent, kind French person (that's not the unbelievable part...just kidding) falls in love with a selfish, raving prince who's been turned into a shaggy monster. After getting some help from some enchanted furniture, Belle breaks the spell that had something to do with a floating flower.

4 and 5. Lord of the Rings- furry-footed midgets save the world by battling evil and destroying an all-powerful warlord and his magical ring.

6. A Knight's Tale- a poor peasant with the help of a ragtag bunch of friends (and Jeffrey Chaucer) disguises himself as a noble, the Sir Oreck von Lichtenstein, and in a span of a couple months and with no formal training becomes the best jouster in all of Europe and becomes buddies with the Prince of Wales.

7. Monsters Inc.- Do I even need to discuss this one?

8. Hamlet- deranged King of Denmark gets visited by the ghost of his father who was murdered because someone poured poison in his ear. He is kidnapped by pirates and pretty much everybody dies.

9. Count of Monte Cristo- a naive French sailor accidentally passes on military plans from the exiled Napoleon Bonaparte and is subsequently betrayed by people he trusts and thrown into the Château D'if prison for 7 years. After he and a priest spend years burrowing under the prison, he drowns the prison warden, escapes, finds buried treasure and joins a pirate crew, afterwards exacting his revenge upon all those who betrayed him and still getting the girl who has managed for all these years to keep a piece of string tied around her finger.

10. The Four Feathers- an embarrassed rugby-playing army deserter goes on an African safari to rescue his 4 friends from Muslim extremists in British-occupied Sudan. Not only does he rescue his friends and remain unrecognized despite the fact that he is the only white guy in a 500 mile radius, he also manages to learn how to speak Arabic and ride a camel in one day.

As you can see, my mom really only likes the realistic, believable movies. It was pretty funny.

Anyway, I’m off to Atlanta tomorrow to send my best friend 6,000 miles away once again. But I’m pretending like this isn’t happening, so I won’t talk about it anymore. Arrivederci!